Can we talk about that for a second?

Let’s agree on one thing, right off the bat: shooting unarmed (even armed) Black men, women, and children when they aren’t directly threatening police officers is unequivocally wrong. If you disagree with that statement, then you won’t like the rest of what I have to say, but let’s start there.

On Tuesday this week, I felt inexplicably angry. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. It was like a rage that came out of nowhere, disproportionate to anything happening in the moment. I wanted to break something, and I had…

The marriage didn’t last. All of our lives changed. And yet, not everything was terrible.

Ghost Husband.

Divine Timing

In February of 2020, I got married. Married! It was a surreptitious City Hall wedding. Hardly anyone knew, and I wanted it that way. But I was thrilled. This, honestly, was my dream wedding. From everything that I could see and know at that time, he was my dream partner. I was just about to start a new job. And with my 40th birthday on the horizon, I was hoping to start a family.

None of those things turned out to be my reality —…

A political dating saga

I met one: the elusive Black Trump Voter.

Kayle Kaupanger @notaphotographer on Unsplash

We had been kind-of-sort-of, more-or-less dating-ish for five months. (It’s hard to really “date” when there’s a pandemic going on. I mean, right?)

When I met this guy, I wasn’t really “looking” for anyone. But there he was, asking for my number on a glorious summer day. And I was curious. Something about him felt compelling to me.

He told me he worked as a CNA, a certified nursing assistant, doing long overnight shifts, sometimes doubles. …

And why we need to acknowledge that it matters.

Image by Morning Brew on Unsplash.

Not every bestie is forever.

Recently, a friend whom I considered to be one of my closest, most solid friends, “broke up” with me. I’m using quotation marks, but that literally is what it was, and exactly how it feels.

According to her, there was resentment and negative feelings building for a while, but she never said anything to me about it, so I had no idea. As far as I knew, we were cool.

In fact, I had helped her move in June, and was trying to reach out to spend time with her because I thought maybe I was neglecting the relationship. …

A protest march on the North Side of Chicago

I feel generally safe in the world. And I hate that this luxury is afforded to me, when it is denied to so many, just because they look a certain way.

My interactions with police have almost always been positive. Even if I got pulled over for speeding, in all but one instance, I could flash a smile, and an “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize,” and come away with a warning. I have only ever been pulled over by white male officers, and it seems to me subtext of the exchange goes something like this:

Officer: You just brightened my…

Image of neurons from Medical News Today

After watching my first few ASMR videos, I thought, Oh, great. Now I am going to be connected to YouTube constantly and will trigger my ASMR forever, and get nothing done in my life. Now the videos don’t even work for me.

That was five days ago.

ASMR stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. According to the Wikipedia page, the term was coined by cybersecurity professional Jennifer Allen in 2010, and is now the accepted term for the experience. Though to be sure, people have been experiencing ASMR for much longer than that.

I myself have always had it. I…

Well, that was underwhelming.

A pretty good Hair Day

After all this time — months, even years — of wondering if my hair had some exotic, ethnic secret to tell me about my family that I did not yet know, I got the results of my DNA test back, which told me…pretty much everything I knew already. To sum up the results: You are super white, it told me.

I could have told you that.

Actually, maybe one big surprise is that I am way more British than I expected. Like 42+% British. So if there is any “ethnic” surprise at all for me, it’s…

The Artist and her Hair

When I was growing up, I did not have curly hair. It was always thick and wavy, and the stylists who cut my hair would ooh and ahh over how thick it was. I remember being about six years old, and getting it “thinned” in the back, meaning they just cut some of the hair at my nape very short, sort of like an early undercut. But my hair was not curly, for sure. It had smooth, loose waves in a light brown color that I always wished was red, or would become dark brown, like my father’s. It never…

I woke up extra early this morning. I didn’t want to be awake at 4:30. I just was. So I puttered around. Made coffee and eggs. Watched a couple of shows on Hulu. Then I found myself to be very comfortable in bed, with my new flannel sheets, and my 4-month-old kitten playing with her favorite toy and bouncing off my feet. The early fall morning sun was hitting the ivy on the wall outside my window, and it was just such a pleasant feeling.

Today is Day 1 of No Facebook. It is my Facebreak.

For the past year…

Image source: KQED MindShift

Sometimes, when I come off of a particularly bad bout of PMDD, it is like waking up from a hangover of epic proportions, finding out I’ve done a lot of things that I would not have normally decided to do, a la the movie The Hangover (which I actually haven’t seen, but I’ve seen enough to know what it’s about. That, and it’s mostly self-explanatory).

The post-PMDD days can be like walking out of your safety bunker or house after a devastating storm has passed, and witnessing the destruction all around you, and wondering how you are going to clean…

Taylor Maurand

Private exhibitionist.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store