Can we talk about that for a second?

Let’s agree on one thing, right off the bat: shooting unarmed (even armed) Black men, women, and children when they aren’t directly threatening police officers is unequivocally wrong. If you disagree with that statement, then you won’t like the rest of what I have to say, but let’s start there.

On Tuesday this week, I felt inexplicably angry. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. It was like a rage that came out of nowhere, disproportionate to anything happening in the moment. I wanted to break something, and I had no idea why. It wasn’t until later in…

The marriage didn’t last. And yet, not everything was terrible.

Open hand with a wedding ring and another hand holding a black heart shape. Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Divine Timing

In February of 2020, I got married. Married! It was a surreptitious City Hall wedding. Hardly anyone knew, and I wanted it that way. But I was thrilled. This, honestly, was my dream wedding. From everything that I could see and know at that time, he was my dream partner. I was just about to start a new job. And with my 40th birthday on the horizon, I was hoping to start a family.

None of those things turned out to be my reality — well, except for the birthday…

And why we need to acknowledge that it matters.

Image by Morning Brew on Unsplash.

Not every bestie is forever.

Recently, a friend whom I considered to be one of my closest, most solid friends, “broke up” with me. I’m using quotation marks, but that literally is what it was, and exactly how it feels.

According to her, there was resentment and negative feelings building for a while, but she never said anything to me about it, so I had no idea. As far as I knew, we were cool.

In fact, I had helped her move in June, and was trying to reach out to spend time with her because I thought maybe I was neglecting the relationship. …

A protest march on the North Side of Chicago

I feel generally safe in the world. And I hate that this luxury is afforded to me, when it is denied to so many, just because they look a certain way.

My interactions with police have almost always been positive. Even if I got pulled over for speeding, in all but one instance, I could flash a smile, and an “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize,” and come away with a warning. I have only ever been pulled over by white male officers, and it seems to me subtext of the exchange goes something like this:

Officer: You just brightened my…

Image of neurons from Medical News Today

ASMR stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. According to the Wikipedia page, the term was coined by cybersecurity professional Jennifer Allen in 2010, and is now the accepted term for the experience. Though to be sure, people have been experiencing ASMR for much longer than that.

I have always had it. I do not remember the first time that I experienced ASMR, but I do remember the moment when I first linked it to whatever I was watching at the time. I must have been in either first or second grade, because I remember being in the classroom, on the…

I woke up extra early this morning. I didn’t want to be awake at 4:30. I just was. So I puttered around. Made coffee and eggs. Watched a couple of shows on Hulu. Then I found myself to be very comfortable in bed, with my new flannel sheets, and my 4-month-old kitten playing with her favorite toy and bouncing off my feet. The early fall morning sun was hitting the ivy on the wall outside my window, and it was just such a pleasant feeling.

Today is Day 1 of No Facebook. It is my Facebreak.

For the past year…

I’ve been thinking a lot about Trauma Bonding lately. That is because I have been submersing myself into information about narcissistic abuse, whether growing up with it, or encountering it in romantic or work or friendship relationships. The truth is, narcissists are everywhere. They aren’t going away. And to a certain extent, we can all be a little narcissistic sometimes. This is natural and normal. We all have egos. …

Spring performance 2016

As the small room started to fill, I realized that I was going to be one of only a few people with white skin in a sea of various non-white shades. I sat there, wearing a Punjabi suit with a chunni, trying to keep my bangles from making too much noise, and knowing there was no way I could look inconspicuous. I attracted a lot of stares, and a few smiles, thinking about the dance I was about to perform. Going over the steps in my mind, I wondered, I should really be doing this? Should I even be here?

Just about everyone is afraid of failure. Fear of failure makes sense. Because if you want to succeed, then you have to be afraid to fail, at least a little bit. That is what drives you toward succeeding. And success=good. Right?

There is a ton of literature out there on the fear of failure, because it is NORMAL. Or if it’s not normal, at least it is incredibly common. Not to diminish anyone who experiences an all-consuming fear of failure — that most likely will not will not be a helpful driving force. But it is common.

And in fact…

Camilla 2016

“Squamous cell carcinoma with bone invasion.” I kept my composure while the vet told me about the results from my cat’s biopsy the week before, and explained what it meant. As she talked, I felt fairly on top of things. This was big, but I was ready to deal with it. My cat was over 15 years old. I knew that she would not be with me forever. And then the the “E” word came up (“euthanasia”), and I lost it.

My brain stopped being cool.

First, I gave the very nice vet an earful (calmly; I did not yell)…

Taylor Maurand

Private exhibitionist.

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